Editor | On 13, Mar 2019

Darrell Mann

One thing I’ve never been able to properly forgive my parents for is their refusal to let me have a pet-rock when I was a boy. Spool forward 35 years, and it got re-launched as the USB version. Now I’m old enough to buy my own. The Inventive Principle 5, USB upgrade is now smarter. You can simply plug the USB cable into a free port, and let the USB Pet Rock do its magic, and unlike other pets, it doesn’t make noises, doesn’t poop on your sofa, and requires relatively little fuss and attention. In fact, it doesn’t do anything at all. You just put it there among the other detritus on your desk, introduce it as your pet and tell stories about it. And because it doesn’t do anything, it’s compatible with any operating system, and spec of computer, and any powerbank. Sadly, like your iPhone7, it doesn’t have a 3.5mm jack, so suck it Apple!

I was going to get one. But then I saw this other piece of Principle 5 genius…

The NVX 200 targets a pretty specific niche – businessmen like me. It’s basically a dock that converts any mobile phone into a desktop phone. It’s great for conference calls as it has physical buttons for speed dials, easy muting and eliminates distracting microphone noise for better clarity.

Now that’s a good idea… if you lived in the 1950s. I mean it’s great until you realize that the NVX200 is nothing but a glorified bluetooth speaker only your rich uncle upstate would buy. All of its functionality can be replaced by a more decent bluetooth speaker. For about quarter of the cost. But then again, it’s not always about the money is it?

Unless you count these two…

On the left is the ‘I Am Rich’ app. Recently available on the iTunes store for an eye-watering $999. It is of no practical use whatsoever (Principle 2) and merely serves to demonstrate that the phone’s owner was wealthy enough to waste their money on it. Funnily enough it was removed from the App Store. Probably because the sales were causing server overload problems.

Meanwhile, still available for $425, the gold pills on the right of the image will “turn your innermost parts into chambers of wealth” and make your excrement (Principle 32) glittery. And who wouldn’t want that?

The environmentally-obsessed freak who bought a JumpSnap, that’s who. Another terrific example of Principle 2 in action…

…welcome to the rope-less skipping rope. That should take a big chunk out of the climate-change problem right there.

No doubt assisted by this piece of Principle 34 inspired sustainable innovation …

As I understand it, the banana skins were burned to provide the necessary heat to the plastic packaging injection moulding machine. Which makes sense.

Although not nearly as much as…

…(Principle 12) Anti-radiation underwear. An all-in-one garment solution made from pure silver-coated polyester threads. Great for keeping the werewolves and vampires at bay. Plus it also claims to block radiation of cellphones, WiFi Signals, microwaves and more. It also cools your hooha while keeping it clean from bacteria and odour. You’ll definitely want to check out the Kickstarter video behind this one. After putting a cellphone in their underwear, the signal was lost.

Hmm. I think that’s given me another idea.